Met with my editor Saturday night. We went over the first ten pages of 'Blue.' I'm sending it out for a 'special' critique. She was kind enough to spend a good few hours going over it with me. We cut a lot of little things. Things that were redundant. Things that really didn't need to be in those pages. That's what I like best about having an editor. She sees into the very heart of the story - not at the overall picture.
However, when it was done, I felt drained. The joy of writing seems to have fled from me. I ponder it. Is it because I am so focused on getting published? Have I abrogated my soul for this one purpose? I really have to spend some time thinking about this. Should I just chuck the whole 'need' for being published and go back to just the need to write?
It could be the weather. We broke a record this year (and the year isn't even over yet!). We've had the wettest year in all recorded history for my city. I used to love rain. I really did. I had a 'white noise' machine that would play rain. Mornings and nights I would lie in bed listening to the rain on my roof and soak it in. That has changed. I hate rain. I hate the sound of it. It feels like little hammers hitting at my brain as if it were some anvil.
It could be the lack of a 'separate' place to write. I have no trouble with my blog. Thankfully. But I find I am only writing at home. I used to go out to different restaurants with my handy-dandy yellow pad and have a blast writing. The creative juices flowed at these places. BUT - every time I go, as of late, the places have been full and I deem it rude to hold a table to write when the waiter/waitress can get more tips if I eat and leave.
I wonder if these are just excuses since publishing is such a hard road. Probably. I plan on going back and doing some 'light' writing for a bit. Try to get back the joy. Will also focus on why I want to be published. So that others can meet the characters that I have fallen in love with. So that others can shiver at the danger, laugh at the growing pains of the hero/heroine, rejoice at the growth, and simmer in the warmth of love and friendship.
I'm sure every author who pursues publication runs into this question from time to time -- is it worth the pushing to publish if it takes away the joy of writing? For many it might be a temporary feeling of just being down because it's not easy, and they'll be back on track again later. But it probably is really worth a good look into your heart when this happens to see if you actually on that right track. Focusing on why you want to publish is key to that. I think if you take breaks and write for yourself without thinking of the publishing push it will help. In the end, if you lose your joy, then what good is it? But if you can retain your joy AND work as you are able toward publication, that will be awesome!
ReplyDeleteAll right, Margaret. So I was whining! *g*
ReplyDeleteWhining is totally allowed!! *g*
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